I must admit I’ve been avoiding this place. This platform to write.
Not that it sounds bad, I just don’t know how to get everything out. There have been so many thoughts and emotions without enough processing that the thought of trying to organize them on a blog page has been intimidating to say the least.
I feel like if I’m going to write something to share with the world it should encourage them.
BUT TODAY it’s just for me.
I NEED this time to get things out and I’ll invite you to share in my thoughts.
Two months ago my grandpa passed away. Because of his age and health it wasn’t a big surprise, but still, there are many changed that take place in a family when both the Grandparents have left. It’s the end of an era. Goodbye to the house where so many family functions took place; Where the children and children’s children children came to be a part.
I flew to California on a quick two day trip with my youngest to attend the service and burial. While there I continued to work on the adoption, calling our home study agency to figure out why things weren’t going as fast as I thought they should. Weeks had past since starting paperwork and still we were at a stand still.
A few days after returning home a message came in on our phone that a friend from church had just been killed in a tragic farming accident. He was a husband, father to three young children and taught Sunday school with my husband. Processing his death was draining.
I got sick (again) that same week and sickness would continue in our house for five more weeks. While I’d been eating pretty good and feeling strong for the first time since baby number three was born, I suddenly lost the desire and ability to plan meals, produce healthy snacks and keep our budget updated (along with a hundred other things in the house).
I sort of planned meals: rice, a veggie and a meat. I know there’s nothing wrong with that but man does it get old! My poor boys are pretty tired of rice bowls.
The dishwasher broke and I began a challenge to see if I could get gobbled up by the dishes.
We continue our home study waiting game. I think we are now on week 14 and still awaiting a social worker.
Our fundraising continues for our international adoption and my head is feeling the results of juggling too many ideas, responsibilities and concerns.
Strawberry season arrived and the boys and I watched our big green berries begin to turn red. Then thanks to the deer, they disappeared. The trimming I was so proud to have done on our blueberry bushes proved to be too much. The few berries that grow will for sure be precious but nothing like the bounties we’ve had.
And so my life feels a bit like that.
It’s easy to be unsure of your footing when you don’t see the path ahead of you or the harvest for the planting.
There have been so many days I’ve questioned why I was doing this adoption. I felt so tired and stressed and anxious.
But I still couldn’t say I wasn’t called to this. Deep down I knew I was doing what We felt called to do and exactly where we were meant to be.
I know there is hope. I know that although we’ve been waiting through 13 weeks of home study paperwork that a social worker WILL be given to us soon. I know that the parenting stresses I’ve been going through are a part of my own anxiousness and drainage. I know that the anxiety I feel over trying to pull together fundraisers that may or may not work has no place because God is my provider.
BUT Man is it hard to not worry!
Someday I will sleep through the night again without having my wonderful husband get up with the toddler. Someday I will look back and wish I’d reminded myself more of how God had already come through for me. Someday I will bring home our daughter and watch as my boys show her around her new home. I can’t wait for that day when I see them all laughing in their innocent silliness.
Until that day, I will continue to climb the mountain set before me. I’ll wander here and there before finding the path again. I’ll look for the top to no avail, wondering if I should just walk back down.
But I’ll keep going because I know there is good ahead.